


In Which Alucard Is That Guy™ From Your Math Textbook

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Gen, Humor, Pineapples
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25194865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: Pineapples used to be expensive back in Alucard's day. Now anyone can just go to the store and buy them... including Alucard.
Relationships: Alucard & Integra Hellsing
Comments: 13
Kudos: 35





	In Which Alucard Is That Guy™ From Your Math Textbook

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Monstrum_Spinam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monstrum_Spinam/gifts).



> tumblr post: https://gehenna-requiem.tumblr.com/post/623305920929284096/but-liek-does-he-eat-them-does-he-just-go
> 
> (gehenna-requiem is my vampire sideblog, and yeah after adding that reply to the OP, I did immediately write this crackfic about it.)

~ In Which Alucard Is That Guy™ From Your Math Textbook ~

Alucard was standing behind Integra, reading the newspaper over her shoulder (more to annoy her than because he was interested in the news), when he spotted an advertisement for a sale on pineapples.

Integra started to turn the page, but Alucard reached over her shoulder to pin the page down.

"What?" Integra blurted out, startled by the sudden slam of the vampire's hand on the table.

Pointing to the grainy black-and-white picture of a pineapple, Alucard said, "These used to be so expensive that hardly anyone could afford one. Now people can just go to the grocery store and _buy one_ for less than it would have cost back in my day!"

After skimming the fine print of the ad, Integra informed her vampire, "It says there's a limit of twelve."

" _Twelve?_ "

Integra sighed. A trip to the grocery store would have to be added to the day's itinerary. Otherwise Alucard would keep pestering her about acquiring a dozen pineapples until she relented.

At the store, Alucard insisted on getting as many pineapples as possible. Instead of arguing, Integra decided it would be easier to indulge her vampire in this one eccentric request, and took a basket full of pineapples through a different checkout line to get around the limitation.

* * *

Once they arrived back at the Hellsing manor, Alucard whisked all of his precious bounty down to his room in the basement.

Seras walked into the room too late to have seen the huge pile of fruit in his arms, only catching a glimpse of the flapping corner of his distinctive red coat disappearing around a corner.

She remained silent, but Integra didn't need to be a mind reader to know what the fledgling vampire was dying to ask.

"We went to the grocery store."

"Oh," Seras replied. "But doesn't Walter usually take care of things like that?"

"Normally, yes. This was a special trip, so that Alucard could purchase twenty-three pineapples."

Which raised more questions than it answered, such as why did he want pineapples, and why did he buy twenty-three of them...

The one Seras settled on was: "But what's he going to _do_ with twenty-three pineapples?"

"Whatever he wants, I suspect."

* * *

In his room in the basement, Alucard sat on his throne, opened his mouth wide, and crunched into a pineapple. It had not been sliced or peeled before he bit into it. He bit into it rather enthusiastically, sending pieces flying and juice spraying all over.

~end~


End file.
